Same Storm, Different Boats: Why Couples Fight and how to reconnect

When couples argue, what typically happens is that one or both people say or think there is something wrong with the other. Now, there could be something clinically wrong—but that’s not what this blog is about. We often make things deeper than they need to be. Most arguments begin with a misunderstanding that spirals into more misunderstandings, eventually resulting in a conversation that leaves your boats storm-damaged. If this communication style continues, then the “storm-damaged conversation” becomes a shipwreck.

Feeling stuck in a storm is hard. But even in that, you still have a few options: jump and take your chances in the open sea (during a storm!), or use your Storm Protocol.

In arguments and breakups, a common phrase is:
“I just need some space.”

They’re right. The Storm Protocol is SPACE:

Start Small

Pause

Alleviate

Check-In

Evaluate

(They are not in sequential order. Use each concept as needed.)

1. START SMALL: THERE IS ALWAYS COMMON GROUND

“But we can’t find any common ground... they don’t understand where I’m coming from.”

The ironic paradox is: you do have common ground—by not having common ground. Just like the title “Same storm, different boats,” there’s commonality within the argument. In fact, I’d change the metaphor slightly: it’s the same storm, same boat, but you’re in different parts of the boat.

In arguments, the usual mindset is me vs. you. That becomes a problem when your partner turns into an opponent to defeat—causing more separation. Instead, try shifting to us vs. the storm. This creates a spirit of collaboration and opens the door to co-create a better understanding of both the issue and each other. A ship’s captain can’t navigate a storm alone. That’s why they have a crew. So, use yours.

Start small. Chances are, neither of you wants to fight. You both want to get through it and find peace. Use that. Start building with each other’s hearts and strengths.

2. PAUSE: STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING

“We’re both really passionate (angry) about the sides we’re on.”

In a storm, it’s wise to avoid metal or electrical devices to reduce the risk of lightning strikes. The same principle applies to arguments. Emotionally charged conversations are one of the main reasons conflicts escalate and remain unresolved. Emotions aren’t inherently bad—they’re powerful guides that signal when something is wrong. However, they’re not always reliable when it comes to explaining why something feels wrong.

When we’re engulfed in strong emotions like sadness, anger, or withdrawal, our perspective narrows. Tunnel vision sets in, and we tend to only see our own side of the story. That’s why it’s crucial to shift the tone of a conversation before it becomes too charged and someone reacts impulsively.

If you feel yourself approaching a destructive path emotionally—change course. Do something different, ideally the opposite of what your emotions are pushing you toward. This intentional shift can help you listen more effectively and move toward common ground.

3. ALLEVIATE: TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF

Does this need to be solved right now?

In this exact moment—this very second—does this need to be resolved? Is someone going to get hurt if it isn’t?

Here’s some more boat safety tips from “Captain Google”: slowing the boat during a storm promotes safety and control. Rushing to solve an argument can spike anxiety, increase emotional loss of control, and heighten the risk of misunderstanding.

Slow the pace. Speak more calmly, gently, and with compassion. This creates a safer emotional space.

Also—sometimes it’s okay to throw things overboard in a sinking ship. Ask: “Am I holding on to something that doesn’t need to be here?” Maybe it’s the idea that everything must be solved immediately. If it's not essential, let it go. That’s not avoidance—it’s like idling the boat during the eye of the storm to gather your bearings.

4. CHECK-IN: WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE IS YOUR PARTNER?

“Is this what you meant? Am I understanding this correctly?”

In a storm, the safety of everyone on the boat matters. Clear, intentional communication strengthens the safety plan. Active listening is crucial—summarize what you heard, and ask if you understood correctly, using a curious, nonjudgmental tone. This tells your partner you’re listening, trying to understand, and that you care.

A great moment from Ted Lasso is the dart scene, where Ted quotes Walt Whitman: “Be curious, not judgmental” (Lawrence et al., 2020). That applies beautifully to relationships. Judgment often comes from assumptions. Curiosity dissolves them.

Also, check what room you and your partner are in. You might be in logic mode while they’re in emotional mode. Neither is wrong. They’re just different. Different is good. Different is what helps you grow—so embrace it.

Watch the dart scene (note: contains strong language)

5. EVALUATE: HOW SATISFIED ARE WE?

Sometimes, one person concedes and shuts down to end the argument. That’s like jumping out of the boat to avoid the storm—but now they’re cold, wet, and still in the storm. We all do it.

If this happens, someone needs to throw a life jacket. Evaluation is that life jacket. After every argument, take time to assess: How are we feeling? Did we feel heard? What could we do better next time? Do we like this decision.

Final Thoughts

Just like storms, arguments are unpredictable. You can’t plan them perfectly—but you can prepare. And there’s beauty in the unpredictability. You may not end up where you wanted to go, but chances are, you’ll arrive where you needed to be.

Give yourself—and your partner—grace in the storm.

I'M NOT AN EXPERT ON BOAT SAFETY. DO NOT USE THIS TO HELP YOU AT SEA.

References

Lawrence, B., Goldstein, J., Kelly, J., & Sudeikis, J. (Creators). (2020–2023). Ted Lasso [TV series]. Apple TV+.